Lizzie and Pryce will answer questions and give advice about aging concerns from a two generational perspective. A mother and daughter team, Lizzie is a retired R.N. and health educator and Pryce, her daughter, is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice who specializes in the care of elders and people with chronic illness. They welcome your feedback on any Question or Answer. Enter your comments in the "Your Comments" box and click "Submit".
Dear Mom and Me,
I live in a lovely apartment condo. I have become friendly with a nice widow on the floor below and we have lots of fun together, going out to concerts, dinner and other fun activities.
Her apartment always seems to be piled high with delivery boxes, unopened boxes and half opened boxes in the living room. She gets more mail than anyone else in the building and always dresses in top style.
I now find she spends many hours watching T. V. infomercials in the wee hours of the morning and is constantly ordering from the hundreds of catalogues she receives.
This behavior seems like an addiction to me, how can I help her?
Blake
Your Comments
Dear Blake,
There can be a lot of reasons why a person appears to overspend, habit, excitement, loneliness for some. However; whatever the reason you are her friend not her therapist. You can help her by staying out of her business unless she asks for your opinion. If she does ask your opinion, share your concerns. If she is interested in stopping assist her in finding the appropriate support.
Pryce
Your Comments
Dear Blake,
People who need to buy, buy, buy must be satisfying some emotional need. I am not a psychologist so I do not have an answer for you.
Enjoy this woman's company and aren't you glad you don't have to pay the bills.
Lizzie
Your Comments
Dear Mom and Me,
After my mother-in-law was widowed she seemed to go down hill physically and emotionally and has never adjusted to her single status. Finally we asked her to come to our home and be with us. All was fine for about two years, then we noticed her severe forgetfulness and she became very hostile toward us. After doing our very best to help her we decided to place her in an assisted living community near us.
She has been there about eight weeks and we are having a terrible time. She phones us about thirty times a day. She has lost her toothbrush, her underwear, her glasses, her purse or somebody has stolen something, whatever. We try to reason with her but she just gets more hostile. We are exhausted and don't know what to do. Please help us under-stand.
Gracie
Your Comments
Dear Gracie,
Transition into an assisted living community can be difficult for individuals and families alike.
A few suggestions:
Have a meting with the staff, in particular the nurse, the activities director and the executive director of the community. The purpose of the meeting would be to discuss what you see happening and to establish a plan to help your mother-in-law.
Ask for a mental health assessment. In home mental health assessments can be completed by a licensed clinical social worker or a mental health nurse. The assessment would determine if other mental health support is needed.
Attend a family support group. Support groups are great for sharing communications strategies and knowledge.
Leave your phone on answering. The assisted living staff will call you if there is a true emergency.
Pryce
Your Comments
Dear Gracie,
Moving to different living conditions can be extremely stressful and difficult for some people. Pryce, the specialist in dealing with problems such as you have outlined has given you a very detailed plan. You should find it most helpful.
Lizzie
Your Comments
Dear Mom & Me,
We had heard that blending two families can be very difficult, but we thought that we would be just fine.
Both my husband and I had been divorced and we each had two children in their early twenties when we married.
It didn't take but six days after our marriage for the problems to start. At first it was terrible, but now it is much better.
We would both get so annoyed and disgusted with our own kids, then we finally realized, he dealt much better with my kids and I did much better with his.
Time has passed - we are now getting along fine, just thought I would pass this along, but is this a common solution?
Polly
Your Comments
Dear Polly,
I am very impressed with your solution. I haven't heard about this twist, but if it works for you, that is marvelous and we will pass it along.
People at any age can be very difficult, and refuse to even try to get along. They might have their own unresolved personal problems, be very unhappy and hate to see others who are happy.
Relationships can be very difficult to maintain and it is wonderful that you have found a solution.
Lizzie
Your Comments
Dear Polly,
Trying to blend two families, in the best of circumstances, is very difficult. There are some guidebooks out to help families. My advice to any families attempting to blend together is to keep trying. All families are different and for different families there are different solutions.
Pryce
Your Comments
Dear Mom and Me,
My cousin's wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. He cared for her day and night and never left her alone for years. Finally he had to place her in a nursing home.
We live a thousand miles away and I wanted to help him so I invited him to come for a little break to our house. He was absolutely furious with me that I would even suggest that he leave her, or expect him to have a vacation.
Three years have passed and we have no contact now. My invitation was not received in the spirit it was given because I thought he would appreciate a little respite from care giving.
Did I do something very wrong?
May
Your Comments
Dear May,
I do not think you did anything wrong. Sometimes what we say or do is misinterpreted and the results are similar to what you described.
Many caregivers become very ill themselves with stress related illnesses and do not realize they need a break.
You have tried to help but you can't help someone who does not want to be helped. People who enter the "helping professions" soon realize that they can only help those people who want to be helped, and your cousin seems to feel that he can manage his own problems.
Lizzie
Your Comments
Dear May,
It sounds as if your cousin is having a difficult time. The challenge of giving gifts is to give the gift the receiver wants verses what the gift giver thinks is needed, or what the gift giver would like himself or herself. It sounds as if your cousin felt that your offer was based on your assumption that his wife was a burden to him. I am sure your cousin needs some support, some "down time"; However, to expect him to be away over a thousand miles seems to be a bit much.
What would happen if his wife died and he was unavailable, having a vacation?
Perhaps enough time has passed and a kind enquiring letter is needed. Hopefully you will be able to open the lines of communication.
Pryce
Your Comments
Dear Mom & Me,
My husband was a very aggressive, ambitious young man. He had a very good job, with promise for an outstanding future. As time went along he wasn't getting the promotions fast enough for his personality so he resigned.
He started his own business as he was convinced that that was the way to go. Shortly after he realized he had made a horrible mistake. Success on your own was very difficult and harder than he had expected.
Now in retirement, he has too much time to think. He goes over and over his poor choice. He knows that our lives would be so much better if he had stayed, but he can't stop thinking about his bad choice. What do you suggest we do?
Martina
Your Comments
Dear Martina,
Therapy, therapy, therapy and perhaps more therapy! Guilt from past choices and behaviors can be very difficult to live with and consume day-to-day life. Guilt can lead to and is a symptom of a depressed mood. Please find the support of licensed mental health professional to support both you and your husband.
The best to both of you.
Pryce
Your Comments
Dear Martina,
You are also having a difficult time living with your husband's poor choice in the past. We can do nothing to change the past and it can destroy our present and future lives. But this was his choice and he was not forced to leave. Pryce is right to suggest a therapist who could understand your husband's problem. Many older people do not have confidence in the "talking therapies" in spite of their many successes. Try if you can to get someone who will gain your husbands confidence.
Lizzie
Your Comments
Dear Mom and Me,
My family has almost forgotten about me. I am mentally well in spite of my 96 years, but my legs and hips have given out, and don't belong to me anymore.
My family takes turns with their obligatory ten minute- visits to my facility every two weeks but it is the pits. They have their own problems, divorces, alcoholism, cancer and fatherless children. I am happy to be my age and not ten years younger, because it can't last too much longer before I go to my journey into the clouds.
I am very grateful that my wife went first so she didn't have to endure this. What do you think?
Harlen
Your Comments
Dear Harlen,
I believe aging is a family affair and not for the faint of heart. I doubt your family feels their visits are obligatory or a burden although, I am sure that is how you feel.
Adult children have multiple and equally important priorities. If there were at least 56 hours in a day adult children would have enough time to do what they want for as long as they want. However, the day is not 36 hours long and between kids, spouses, work and one's own health issues there is not enough time to do all the things that need to be done.
Excellent medical research and care has prolonged life unfortunately, social supports have not kept pace making it difficult to live as an older person and to care for an older person.
Pryce
Your Comments
Dear Harlen,
Many family members have a difficult time visiting parents who are no longer the vibrant parents they once knew, and they have difficulty dealing with their decline.
Adult children frequently don't know what they should do and what they should talk about and visits are often dreaded.
Life is hard, many working two jobs to make ends meet. Enjoy the visits your family make and you try to visit someone in your facility that never has a single visitor through no fault of their own.
